+1 Month (Believe It!)

I did not want to believe it. 

The night before, I had driven to Los Angeles from Idyllwild in the dead middle of the night, outrunning a winter storm, with an alarming pain in my side. Huge, towering dark clouds menaced the horizon, the wind smacking my little Prius around as the torrential rain began. 

When I was packing that evening, I had decided on a good night’s sleep, planning to travel instead the following morning. As I lay down, I gasped. WTF? This was bad. 

Unable to sleep, I realized it might be appendicitis, or kidney stones, and if I was going to produce the coaching school I was traveling to LA for, I had better get off my isolated, doctor-less mountain and get to emergency room proximity ASAP. 

I arrived around 3:30 AM, horribly exhausted, but the pain keeping me alert. 

A few hours of sleep, then the ER. They ran the scans, and told me it was likely tumor related. For some reason, despite some alarmingly rising cancer indicators lately, that possibility didn’t occur to me. I was so invested in the meds I was taking and the treatments I was doing working. 

Oh. 

No. 

I went home, took some Tylenol and slept for about 14 hours. It was the first time I experienced significant pain in my six year long battle with prostate cancer, and it threw me into a depressed tailspin.

However, the next day, I woke and knew I had a choice. I threw all my thoughts into conscious, positive affirmations, and decided with God that I would create the Perfect Day for Him. I went into my morning meditation practice, and went deep. The first Revelation came. 

The day unfolded in service and serenity. And, it was a special day. The plan for that evening: to go with Mark to my birthday surprise gift, the David Byrne / Fatboy Slim musical “Here Lies Love”. We had been planning on this for weeks. 

But then, the tests came back, the PSA at 472, fluid in the lungs, and a rib broken by a tumor. All the rigorous treatments I had been doing for months, the difficult protocols, the new medications: were they not working? 

Then, right then, Mark called. He couldn’t go to our show. Could I find someone to go with me instead? 

Weeks before, both of Mark’s parents landed in the hospital: simultaneously. In their late eighties, he was their only caretaker, and Mark had exhibited an extraordinary heroism as their advocate and sole support, now stretching him to the limit with this new development. 

He had to stay at the hospital. No show, no special night, no looking at my medical results together. In a daze, I put out feelers to share my tickets, a rare and expensive purchase for us, with no takers. 

But I knew the only place I wanted to be right now was with Mark, being part of his heroism in any small way I could. As the winter storm pounded LA, I marched into the kitchen, cooked a special meal for my beloved, got into my car and drove through the deluge to the hospital.

I told him the news of my test results as we ate together, me and him against the maelstrom. I told him that there was Pluvicto, a miracle drug if it worked, still ahead for me. Hope. We discussed our future. 

“I need you to be OK, Shannon”. Mark’s look of love, right then, was the most important and powerful moment of my life. 

Here Lies Love. 

The next morning, the second meditation, and the Revelation Clarified. I pledged to God another Perfect Day for him, and another and another, for all eternity. 

“I Surrender All To Divine Will”. 

Today, the pain was diminished, and I braved a hot yoga session, and created another day of hope and joy. It seemed like I would be OK, for a while. 

But there was no break in the deluge. A work related emergency, and a new family development to test Mark’s heroism. I found out (the hard way, watching Lady Dynamite), that I could no longer laugh without pain. 

Mark and I finally met and had a makeup celebration at our favorite restaurant, Cafe Gratitude. 

How precious our time. How strong our love. 

How lucky we are.