0 Months (Believe It!)
I’m feeling physically superb. The enzyme protocol, coupled with hot yoga & deep dedication to Radical Remission, has strengthened and revived me.
And, my numbers are up. My PSA is about 300. That’s high, and not in a good way.
But, it may have started to slow down, enough for my oncologist to want to delay Pluvicto, a new radiation based treatment, for an extra month, to see finally if this new hormone combo will work.
So, I may still turn this thing around. Plus. a friend sent me this exciting new cancer treatment breakthrough.
So that’s that. Now, let’s:
CELEBRATE!
I beat the odds. I’m here longer than my prognosis, feeling healthy and great. This blog will now turn around time, and next month will be “+1 Month (Believe It)”.
This was a victory that was created with so many. Those wonderful angels that supported me financially in getting my treatments. My adored and beloved partner Mark, who carried me through the tough times with his unfailing love and sweet caretaking. My family, who came through at exactly the time I needed them, sending financial support, prayers and encouragement constantly.
Today is my birthday. I’m 62. I feel both peaceful and powerful.
Lately, I have been pondering if this will be the last year of my life. I don’t usually allow these thoughts in through my somewhat relentlessly positive affirmations, but I think it’s OK.
It’s OK to be anxious a bit, and to just be sad for a day or two, not terribly productive, just happy with all the colors of being alive. You see, I rally back really well.
I am thinking, of late, a great deal of success thoughts with the way my life has gone. Success thoughts about all the love in my life. Success thoughts about the work I do. Success thoughts about the obstacles I have overcome.
I’ve always wanted this to be a blog that inspires, so let me tell you a story, one that will be part of the teaching memoir I am now writing.
As an adolescent, I experienced a peculiar phenomenon. I absolutely could not interact with other kids my age. I couldn’t approach them, I couldn’t befriend them, and I loathed myself for it. I was painfully self-conscious, and this continued as I became a drug addict in my 20’s. My misery finally brought me to extravagant despair and self-harm.
I survived, but remember so clearly, after enduring another breakdown, that the only thing I wanted in life was a friend or two to watch TV with. This was as big as my dreams dared to get.
Sobriety occurred in 1995. This at first re-magnified my isolation, until I slowly began to learn to function without the crutch of addiction.
But recovery brought me friends, professional success, and when I finally finished my first year at the University of Santa Monica in 2015, I had not only decades of sobriety, but no remaining self-consciousness or fear of others. It was simply gone.
That’s when Mark came into my life.
This story has many dimensions that I didn’t share, the extraordinary spiritual adventures I was gifted, and the amazing career that unfolded, finally allowing me to train with the most masterful people on the planet to land me in my final career, the one I am the best at, the one I was born to do - teaching and coaching.
So you see, today I celebrate so many victories, so many miracles, and I’m dazzled by Grace.
I’ll leave you with a poem I composed recently, while ruminating in the park after I got my latest test results.
Love Poem To The Grass
If I slip away, as I must, when I must
No possibility do I see of forsaking
The lush green spears of adventure
That lay sumptuous at my feet.
Greening again and again,
Terminal but immortal,
The ants’ adventure and
My childhood bed.
This must be retained when
I lose what I must, when I must
For such is wonder, it lives
Where no disaster can touch.
So I defy augury, and shrink down
To harness a friendly thorax.
To ride through the lawn jungle
Both of us too small
For death to catch and betray.
